An Open Letter to Stamps.com

Dear Stamps.com,

I am writing to thank you for hosting the free and ever popular Moth podcast. Your generous contribution of 60 full seconds of advertising copy to the beginning of a short, fifteen-minute podcast is certain to leave an impression upon all who hear it.

But I have to ask you, Stamps.com, are you really so ‘sure’ that making trips to the post office is the last thing I have time for?

Perhaps you meant the phrase to be colloquial, a friendly exchange between two friends. Or maybe you purchased expensive marketing data from which to glean this inflated factoid. Either way, I resent your tone. How do you know what I have time for? That’s all I need, Stamps.com—another entity judging how a stay-at-home mom like me spends her time.

By the way, I actually did know that with Stamps.com, I can buy and print official US postage right from my own computer and printer. But thanks for assuming I know nothing.

As for your assurances that it’s easy and convenient, all I can say is that you and I must have very different printers. Let me guess—you probably have one of those big, fancy laser printers at your office that can spit out Google Books’ entire library on one toner cartridge, am I right? I don’t have a laser printer. Or an office. I have an ink jet printer that I got for free when I bought my last computer. It requires six separate ink wells that cost $25-35 each, and due to interior design limitations, is located half-way around the house from the main computer.

What about children, Stamps.com. Do you have any? I have three. Kids are great, aren’t they? I particularly love how they print out reams of useless, ink-heavy pictures from websites like nickjr.com and barbie.com on the very same day I have something important to print. Nothing like having to run out to the office supply store for ink cartridges late at night.

Can I be blunt with you, Stamps.com? I don’t think you actually care about me or my time constraints; I think you’ve simply created a business model out of shifting the cost burden of printing postage. Because let’s face it—for less than the cost of a gumball, I can buy a stamp at the post office that includes the ink, adhesive, and postage all in one. I don’t have to buy special labels, or learn how to print directly onto an envelope. (The last time an envelope tried to climb into my printer, it took two hours and four screwdrivers to rescue it.)

Besides, in the end, I figured out how to outsmart you and your US Postal Service competitor: I make my husband buy the stamps.

Sincerely yours,
Chrissy Boylan

 

Photo Credit: Tim Morgan via Compfight cc

3 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Stamps.com

  1. Unfortunately for Stamps.com, I am pretty sure that there is an Office Depot or Staples (for buying much needed ink) very close to the post office and I am ABSOLUTELY sure that there is a post office close enough in proximity to the drive thru Starbucks to justify going to the post office instead of printing at home on a computer that can screw up my best day!
    Thanks for the much needed laugh Chrissy.

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